What Not To Say to a Mom Who Has Experienced Birth Trauma

Every mother’s birth trauma is unique. After sharing my story, many different women have reached out to me to talk about what happened to them. This post is for all of us. It compiles all of our experiences, although none of our stories are exactly the same. Despite that, most of these phrases have been said to me and almost all of the women that I’ve talked to. I’m writing this today not to shame anyone, but to explain how extremely hurtful these phrases can be to a mother who has experienced trauma surrounding the birth of her child.

1. At least you had a healthy baby / At least you are healthy now.

While this is true for some, it isn’t true for all. And it still doesn’t change what we went through that day. As our bodies begin to heal and we start to look “normal” on the outside, the inside turmoil can still be extremely unhealthy.

2. How could you be sad about that day? It was the day your baby was born.
This was probably one of the most hurtful things that was said to me. Obviously, I know it was the day my child was born, I was most certainly there. But in my case, there are also so many things that I mourn for that day. Like being able to hold my baby after she was born, or even just being able to remember the moment my baby was born. And how for months after, when I closed my eyes I had terrible flashbacks of bright hospital lights and blood. 

3. If you would have had a home birth, then none of that would have happened to you.
This is the one that makes me the angriest. Because – first of all, it’s not true at all. And secondly, if I would have had a home birth I would have died. Several other women have shared stories with me that are similar to mine that began with them trying to birth at home, but then later ending up in the hospital. Sometimes things just go wrong. A home birth would not have changed the situation. I’m thankful for modern medicine.

4. You’ll forget about it soon enough, and then you’ll want another!

OR

5. When are you going to be having more kids!?
After I had Mila, I had pretty much sworn off of having any more kids. I did not want to go through anything that could get me into that situation again, and I did not want to put my life in jeopardy and potentially leave my daughter without a mom. As soon as she could hold her head up, people were asking when we’d be trying for another. It felt like they were asking me to knock on death’s door again. And also, if birth trauma was easy to forget, a lot of us wouldn’t need extensive counseling afterward. 

6. Everybody’s labor and delivery is painful.
This is basically true. But not everybody’s labor and delivery has them looking death in the eye. Sometimes, the pain was so unbearable that death was even begged or wished for. Not everybody’s labor and delivery forces the other parent to have to decide who to save.

7. You’re scaring other pregnant women when you talk about it.
I understand this, and I remember sharing the story with some friends that were due shortly after me and it did make them extremely uncomfortable which I still feel terrible about. I would never share my story to shock or intentionally scare someone. In fact, one of the things that irritated me the most during my pregnancy was how much people liked to rain on my parade with horror stories. But I don’t believe telling a woman to keep it to herself is fair. That would be like asking victims of car accidents never to share about their experience because it would scare other drivers. 

8. It was all worth it!
Although most moms would agree with the sentiment, it’s really not the most helpful or appropriate thing to say because it minimizes what happened to us. The pain of training for a marathon being worth it in the end? Ok, sure. But this – it’s a little more nuanced. 

9. It could have been so much worse.
It really could have. A few of the moms I have talked to about their birth trauma have stories far more horrifying than mine. But once again, this statement isn’t helpful or loving. It’s implies that we’re not thankful for barely escaping with our lives. We already know how bad it could have been. The thoughts of what did happen are already haunting enough, we don’t need to be told to imagine worse scenarios. 

10. Why don’t you put the baby down / enjoy some time for yourself / stop hovering over them?
In my experience, because I basically missed my child being born, I had a really hard time feeling like I was actually her mom. And I also had very bad separation anxiety due to her being ripped off of my chest before I was even able to touch her. And because my body was so broken, I couldn’t actually take care of her on my own for a really long time after we brought her home. Everyone else was changing her diapers, clothing her, playing with her, holding her. We don’t want to put the baby down. We don’t want to enjoy time for ourself, because any time without baby is not enjoyable. We have to hover to remind ourselves that we did it. This baby, that we fought so hard to bring into the world, is our everything. We are making up for lost time. We are healing with every rise and fall of their chest. We are coming back to life every time our eyes meet theirs.

So then, what should you say to a mom who’s experienced birth trauma?
“You are strong.” “I’m proud of you.” “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” “Great job fighting.” “You and your baby are beautiful.” “I am praying for you.”