The Fight Against the Negative Nancy Parenting Gang
Let’s stop treating parenting like it’s a terrible club that one needs to be initiated into.
I noticed right after becoming pregnant was how negative people are when it comes to having children. Especially people who are already parents. It’s exhausting. It never ends. Looking back, I feel sad that I was made to feel like my life was over when really it was just beginning.
Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” I think we severely underestimate the power that our words have. When a pregnancy is announced, why do people immediately start dumping garbage on a woman who is entering the most precious season of her life? When a mom tells you about something they’re struggling with, instead of explaining to an already overwhelmed parent about how much “worse” it’s going to get, why aren’t we responding encouragingly?
“Just wait until you’re in labor, then you’ll REALLY be uncomfortable.”
“Just wait until the baby is born, then you REALLY won’t be sleeping very well.”
“Just wait until they can talk, then your brain will REALLY be fried.”
“Just wait until they learn to walk, then you REALLY won’t be able to keep a clean house.”
And then…just when you think they’ve got nothing left to say, you’ll get hit with, “Just wait until you have TWO!” Wow, we really can’t let parents be proud of themselves for a single second, can we?
Let me be clear: I’m not a fan of this new “mommy needs wine” culture that has suddenly taken over social media and graphic t-shirts at TJ Maxx. But I have to wonder, maybe the memes about needing to drink an entire bottle of wine at the end of a long day of parenting resonate so much because people who have fought the battles before us make the “just you wait” comments, instead of being helpful. Something we all learned very quickly when we become parents is that once one battle is finished, there’s another approaching. Parents will figure out the next hurdle without your warning.
Parents don’t need to be reminded that this is what they signed up for. They don’t need to be told they’ll never sleep again. They don’t need to be told to get used to it. What new parents could really use is a broken cycle.
Why is the first instinct not to automatically speak positivity over parents and children? Share a verse, share something that got you through the hard times, share a hug, remind them to soak it all up in the midst of the chaos, give a hack or a helpful tip, give something to refresh the spirit. And unfortunately, it’s really easy to fall into the pit when you’re constantly bombarded with negativity.
As I sit next to my sleeping daughter, I feel embarrassed thinking back on conversations I’ve had with those who don’t have kids when they try to talk with me about her. I recall one situation where someone was trying to tell me how cute she was and that she was giving them baby fever. Instead of thanking them and telling them how much better my life is now that I’ve had a child, I told them how badly she was kicking my butt instead.
I was reading through Psalm 52 for the Bible study that I attend and was stopped on verse 7, where David talks about a man named Doeg who ‘grew strong by destroying others’. In context, this is referring to Doeg’s behavior – he was responsible for a bunch of people losing their lives – but I felt convicted anyway, despite not being a murderer. Why? I think dumping negatively on people makes us feel better about our own struggles. But that isn’t helpful to ourselves or others – it’s detrimental to the work the Holy Spirit is trying to do in us.
I’m definitely not a seasoned veteran, but I can say without a doubt that parenting is not easy – it’s the hardest thing we will ever do. But that doesn’t mean it’s the worst thing we’ll ever do. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t getting my butt kicked every single day, all 24 hours. The truth is, getting my butt kicked is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and exactly what I needed. This is awesome. This is amazing. This work is blessed. This is what I was made for.
I don’t want to be a part of your negative Nancy parenting club. Can we make a pact to start being more mindful of the things we say? Let’s take a holy pause before we speak and ask God and ourselves – is this honey?
